Feeling "Not Recovered Enough"
A few months ago, when I found the instagram eating disorder recovery community, I dove in deep. I spent hours reading blog posts and following inspirational RD’s, therapists, and other women and men that were the top influencers in the realm of intuitive eating, body positivity, etc. At first, I felt a strong sense of belonging, a feeling that I had finally found my niche. These were people who had gone through the despair of eating disorder recovery and had actually come out the other side, strong and resilient. Feeling inspired, I created my own account and started posting deep thoughts and recovery wins. This was great for a while, when I actually felt good and believed every word I wrote.
After a while the “honeymoon” phase faded away, and self-doubt crept back in.
Big life changes (my friends going to college, starting a new job, yoga teacher training, trying to make new friends) caused me to feel uprooted and lonely. As everything in my life spinned around me, I felt stagnant, unmoving, with no control over how people felt about me. I started worrying about the amount of (healthy) fat that I had gained, I became self conscious of my acne and my cellulite and my stretch marks. I looked back at old photos longing for the feeling of control that I had, wishing that I could shy away from actually existing unapologetically on this earth. It is so much easier to track calories and exercise than it is to actually face the fact that you feel abandoned and lonely. Focusing on “improving” what I look like (and my health) gave me a sense of purpose that I lack in other aspects of my life.
Here’s the messed up logic: “If I am finally perfect with perfect skin and perfect GI health and a perfect figure, THEN everyone will want to be my friend”.
Trust me, this thought sounded really legit in my head until I just wrote it out.
Because I have been struggling, and insulting my body, and worrying about what I’m eating, I feel as though I’m not allowed to write about recovery. I feel like I am hypocritical and somehow not recovered enough to talk about what I am going through. And quite honestly, admitting that I’m even struggling is gnawing at me as well. (I am supposed to be perfect, remember?)
But then I realized, that even the most preachy self-love advocates have days where they wake up and look at themselves and think “ew”. Even the people who are healthy and balanced still get bloated and have bad body image days. We. Are. All. Human.
I started to think about some of my favorite teachers, human beings with a lot to share about a certain topic. However, teachers rarely know everything about what they are teaching. But that doesn’t stop them from sharing their skills and knowledge in hopes that it benefits others. In fact, some teachers are simply learning alongside their students.
This world would never get anywhere if people waited to speak up about something until they knew everything they possibly could. The same goes with recovery. If I waited until I was 100% recovered (which is subjective anyways), I would miss out on years of time to share my experiences and help others along the way.
Thus, I want to start posting again, and share my experiences as authentically as possible.
I don’t have to be perfect at something to talk about it. Telling myself that I’m not “recovered enough” to talk about recovery is just holding me back. Authenticity is much more valuable than a veil of body positive, intuitive eating, unicorn magic anyway.
With that said, welcome to my blog. Hope you stick around for more.